Lori's daydreams

 The beauty of healing is that you get mental clarity .In a way healing clear your vision and you can see things outside your pain .When you are in a survival mode or you haven't healed yet everything is just blurry .Every thought ,action and words are a means of survival .Every word and and action towards you became a sword or an attack  Being in a survival mode somehow has a way of making one highly alert ,but not in a good way .You overanalyze every thought ,action and words coming out of your mouth and towards you and jump in to the wrong conclusions .when you in a survival mode even your creator can be seen as a potential enemy .It clouds your judgement completely .My unhealed version had me overreacting and overexplaining myself .It had me in a defensive mode  if you do not  really understand this bunch of nonsensical words i wrote above ,understand that there is beauty in healing .Healing does look good on you ,joy does loook good on you .It is time for you to...

 I never really knew how to love you; I only knew how to make you survive. The moment I realised, or rather discovered, that you were resilient, I held on to that. I never gave you a chance to live because even my existence came as a surprise. Sometimes to wake up in the morning was a disappointment, and sometimes it was a miracle. You have always held on, even when, most of the time, you became disappointed, you went to fetch that hope again.   I want you to know that I no longer blame you for the poor choices you made to make us survive, the mistreatment you took to avoid being alone, the toxic cycles of toxic friendships and relationships, so that you can say you are chosen, and many of those choices so that you are seen.   Forgive those who took advantage of your smile and those who took your kindness for stupidity. Love is not stupid, being good to others is not stupidity, forgiving and easily forgetting is not stupidity, helping others is not stupidity, and you were...

 I grew up in an environment where comparison was normalized .Parents compared their children with other children in order to get them to do everyday chores ,to be more feminine ,in order to get them to perform well in school ,to get a boyfriend ,get married or show them that they don’t value them .Teachers compared learners to get them to work harder ,to make other learners feel intelligent or to show favoritism .Neighbors compared themselves with other neighbors to prove that they are more successful or learned or blessed and even girls and girls ,boys and boys ,older and younger people .Instead of making us to work harder ,to be inspired and aspire that comparison resulted in a lot of pain for most children ,into envy and jealousy and hatred? It became something we despite and never wanted to experience or practice   Comparison however didn’t end with our childhood ,it followed us into adulthood either by the side effects or the continuation of this practice by society ...

 Often, we are gentle with other people, with our actions, words, and thoughts; we find ourselves extending a helping hand and comforting them, and pouring into them. However,  to us, we become dictators, we expect perfectionism, and we become our own enemies. I found myself spending so many hours revisiting each and every word I uttered, every reaction and response to criticize myself, and often thinking that that is probably how the other person is feeling. Sometimes we think that if we are harsh to ourselves or if we punish ourselves first, it will show how sorry we are. It is incredibly painful that we inflict ourselves with pain, thinking that we are bettering ourselves  I recently started reading about why older people often get all diseases. Aging is a risk factor on its own; however, we must realise that our lifestyle plays a huge role in our overall health. How we treat ourselves forms part of our lifestyles. How we react to our mistakes, how we let other people ...

 Somewhere along your dream life, when you finally feel like things are aligning, somehow things break down, and suddenly even the pain and anger you never thought you had surface. All the habits and coping mechanisms that you told yourself that they are too toxic to even think about, all the words that even witches are afraid to say, escape your lips. You thought yourself to be a calm, peaceful, kind woman who is initiative-taking and forgives and forgets just as quickly, but all you think about is revenge. You have compassion because it destroyed your childhood, but all you do these days is compare yourself with others. That is how I know healing is not linear. How did I not know that situations that bring me back to survival mode will also bring out the worst in me? How did I not know that I can never truly escape the past, that it is part of my identity? Healing is not linear. One minute you are dancing in paradise, and the next you are trying your best to breathe in hell ...ev...