Healing isnt always linear

 Somewhere along your dream life, when you finally feel like things are aligning, somehow things break down, and suddenly even the pain and anger you never thought you had surface. All the habits and coping mechanisms that you told yourself that they are too toxic to even think about, all the words that even witches are afraid to say, escape your lips. You thought yourself to be a calm, peaceful, kind woman who is initiative-taking and forgives and forgets just as quickly, but all you think about is revenge. You have compassion because it destroyed your childhood, but all you do these days is compare yourself with others. That is how I know healing is not linear. How did I not know that situations that bring me back to survival mode will also bring out the worst in me? How did I not know that I can never truly escape the past, that it is part of my identity? Healing is not linear. One minute you are dancing in paradise, and the next you are trying your best to breathe in hell ...even a drop of water cannot quench you. I have become my worst enemy in trying to survive; I have dug myself a deep, dark hole, thinking it is best if I hide there. In building these high walls, I thought I could flourish and forget it all. It was better when I was all alone, better when I could not rely on anyone, better when I had to account to anyone but myself. I am bleeding and my tears are blood because just when I thought I was over I have to start this healing journey again ...Healing is not linear because why I look at you and you remind me of the men that decided to abandon me, who took advantage of me and saw my body as something to be used. Healing is not linear because we think of a man who chose not to be present in my life the moment I was conceived, and suddenly, I am afraid of having my own. I am trapped in my past again, trapped in the toxic cycle of what could go wrong, creating situations and jumping to conclusions. Healing is not linear, and somehow, we are going to conquer this again and become our best version. If we are alive, if we are breathing, we are going to make it. We are going to give ourselves grace and nourish ourselves again ...oh, we are going to have kids and love on them in a healthy way.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

i want to love you

 I want to spend the rest of my life just telling you and showing you how much I love you, just because I want you to live. You know, we spent our 20s fighting ourselves just because we simply didn't know how to love ourselves. We found ourselves in what seemed to be an endless cycle of pain, fear, and rejection, especially from ourselves. And because we couldn't really love ourselves, we allowed ourselves to be used. I don't know how many one sided friendships that we have found ourselves in simply, we were too afraid to face us, because we could not love us enough to say this is bullshit. As long as we were doing something good, you said, someday they were going to see and appreciate; You somehow convinced us that if we didn’t address it, if we accepted no existing apologies, if we allowed them to walk all over us, then we would be seen as less sensitive. Somehow, none of those things ever happened; the more you gave is the more they took. Lori, that was self-loathing; it...
Read more

Be gentle with yourself

 Often, we are gentle with other people, with our actions, words, and thoughts; we find ourselves extending a helping hand and comforting them, and pouring into them. However,  to us, we become dictators, we expect perfectionism, and we become our own enemies. I found myself spending so many hours revisiting each and every word I uttered, every reaction and response to criticize myself, and often thinking that that is probably how the other person is feeling. Sometimes we think that if we are harsh to ourselves or if we punish ourselves first, it will show how sorry we are. It is incredibly painful that we inflict ourselves with pain, thinking that we are bettering ourselves  I recently started reading about why older people often get all diseases. Aging is a risk factor on its own; however, we must realise that our lifestyle plays a huge role in our overall health. How we treat ourselves forms part of our lifestyles. How we react to our mistakes, how we let other people ...
Read more

To my you self

 I never really knew how to love you; I only knew how to make you survive. The moment I realised, or rather discovered, that you were resilient, I held on to that. I never gave you a chance to live because even my existence came as a surprise. Sometimes to wake up in the morning was a disappointment, and sometimes it was a miracle. You have always held on, even when, most of the time, you became disappointed, you went to fetch that hope again.   I want you to know that I no longer blame you for the poor choices you made to make us survive, the mistreatment you took to avoid being alone, the toxic cycles of toxic friendships and relationships, so that you can say you are chosen, and many of those choices so that you are seen.   Forgive those who took advantage of your smile and those who took your kindness for stupidity. Love is not stupid, being good to others is not stupidity, forgiving and easily forgetting is not stupidity, helping others is not stupidity, and you were...
Read more